Is nothing really said?

I have been going on an organized bike ride every Wednesday lately and the last one was especially grueling. Starting at the Ferry building we rode to the Golden Gate Bridge and then to Land’s End. At the end of the ride we then traveled through Golden Gate Park. In the days since, I have been trying to shore my life up at school and as a volunteer in various capacities. These things were mostly house cleaning. I also went to a party at a Haight Ashbury bar for the city’s bike lanes.

Lately I have been going over my interactions with people and what it does to me. I don’t really feel like it is the stuff that happens between me and anyone in particular. What really affects me is how I feel when I know that others are aware of what has been going on in my life. When things are good you can’t say anything really—no one likes a braggart. However, when it is bad, you can’t say anything either. Of course I do, inadvertently, say things and so do others.

When I say nothing and others say nothing. Is nothing really said? What is important is who is saying nothing. From here it is a simple matter of constructing the different relationships into a coherent picture and looking at it realistically. This means answering questions like: Under what circumstances do people really say nothing to one another? Then there are other questions like: Who knows what and why?

Most of the time, I don’t like asking myself these questions. It all seems so Machiavellian. However, it is important to do so because the subtleties of my personal relationships may not be missed. I am loth to miss something critical to a relationship that is of real consequence to my life.

In the meantime I have been looking at the data in my GPS unit and trying to decipher how to use the device. I intend to visit my brother in Oregon. In time I will have to finish enrolling at school, look for a place to stay in Ashland and maybe catch up with a friend before I leave for a week.

This is series chronicles my life at regular intervals. This Memo series is meant to be a retrospective of what I have written and experienced. In each of these posts I use my notes in conjunction with memory, mementos and souvenirs to create a snap shot of my life.

How I Got Here

In the course of my reflections I have found that the world is a big confusing place.  I regularly return to three distinct lines of thought concerning: my place in the world, my relationships with others and how I got where I am.  These thoughts are my touchstone in many ways and I think of them as if I am looking for something solid on which to stand.  I don’t think these thoughts all at the same time either.  I have found that they happen at specific times in my day and life.  I often wonder about my place in the world when traveling from place to place or cleaning my room.  I think about my personal relationships while looking at my emails or paying for coffee.  Regarding that last reflection, how I got here I daily lie in bed wondering how I got here.

I value these thoughts because the fact that I have to ask myself about these things indicates that I am addressing my concerns.  While constantly juggling responsibilities, I have found that I have had a modicum of success in my endeavors and though time constraints tend to inhibit budding relationships but they don’t necessarily die or disappear and they always return.  However, I understand that I need to be focused, prompt and on point in keeping these responsibilities.

Concerning the last reflection, I have lived in so many places the Sierra, Humboldt, Spain, China, Los Angeles and finally San Francisco.  When I think about where I am—as opposed to who or what—my conclusions always depend on how comfortable I am in my current location.  For instance, Yosemite is so idyllic and Madrid bustling.  Long Beach seemed the epitome of Babylon.  However, lately I’ve been waking up to a new thought: how nice it is to be home.

I started writing this on 082012.

This is an occasional series chronicling my life. This Notebook Analysis series is meant to be contemporaneous piece developed as an aglomeration of my notebook pages.  In each of these posts I used my notes to develop my recent thoughts.

Wavelengths, Distortion and Interference

Every day I take the courageous step of writing about my life and do so regardless of how difficult, emotional and personal each event is. I do this mostly because it makes for better writing. As I have cycled through this process it has become more sophisticated and complex. I keep notes, post to a private blog space, keep a notebook and edit each piece to make them fit for public consumption. Looking back in this way helps me to find good topics. As the process has become more complex, it has also revealed wavelengths, distortion and interference that would have been imperceptible via a more simple process.

In the beginning, I saw my notebooks and private posts as a dead end. Many of them aren’t understandable to anyone but a short list of people—a liability in and of itself. Also, I have written so many of them that fully editing and posting them publicly would take months to years of work. However, it is useful to see the process I go through for what it really is: write, think, forget, move on, rewrite, reassess and remember. While each and every cul-de-sac or closed circuit may never make it into public view they nevertheless inform each of these steps. At the end of each cycle, I can look back at the network I have created with a complete understanding of the energies that flow through them.

I started writing this on 081312.

This is an occasional series chronicling my life. This Notebook Analysis series is meant to be contemporaneous piece developed as an aglomeration of my notebook pages.  In each of these posts I used my notes to develop my recent thoughts.

Very Confused

About a week ago I got laid off but I took it in stride. The contract actually should have ended Friday but this factotum was no longer relevant by the time Saturday came around. I was moving along with other things in my life. I had fixed up my bike and went shopping for a GPS before I went to East Bay Bike Party on Friday. This lady I met told me about an interesting bar which checked out before going to movie Saturday.

This morning I got about forty texts from that girl. I suppose she was bummed that all her friends had gone to a major show in the park and she didn’t have tickets. I met her half way to downtown and we went for a picnic. Later we went for tacos and had drinks at one of my favorite bars. As night set in we took a cold ride to her house where we watched videos. During the day it was fun to talk to her but later on I realized that it was a mistake to go to her house with her.

This is series chronicles my life at regular intervals. This Memo series is meant to be a retrospective of what I have written and experienced. In each of these posts I use my notes in conjunction with memory, mementos and souvenirs to create a snap shot of my life.

Rare Insights

My last post makes it clear that I have no trouble looking for stuff to write about. I try to make it to several events each month; like First Thursdays Art Walk at galleries near Union Square. With nearly 30 of galleries spread over three blocks, there is a wide variety of places to visit and each has a different specialty. I have collected their postcards for years and now a number of them send me an email nearly twice a month. You can find these emails at knfnewsletters.blogspot.com. Another event I go to is Bike Party which is the next day usually. This month we climbed to the top of Twin Peaks and then rode to the Potrero del Sol playground in the eastern Mission. I like this group a lot because we go to all of these interesting places. Sometimes it is the Dogpatch and others Ocean Beach. There are fun activities too.

It can be difficult for me to write each of my posts because the only free time I can find is usually after work. To tighten my procedure for posting to my blog, I have a three step process where I both transcribe my notebook as well as post. With scarcely a day of lag time when a thought goes into my notebook and when I use it to write my post, it almost seems like I am taking each step simultaneously and this can cause a surreal confusion of thoughts and feelings. However, parsing analysis of the resulting content illuminates rare insights.

I started editing this on 072812.

This is an occasional series chronicling my life. This Notebook Analysis series is meant to be contemporaneous piece developed as an aglomeration of my notebook pages.  In each of these posts I used only my notes to hash out ideas taht I have hit apon in the recent past.