She’s gone

This entry started with a “happy birthday Joe” and a bunch of Chinese characters and a note from Nadja saying something akin to I love you in German.  I wrote “so she’s gone…” and continued by noting that this was the inevitable love entry “She’s gone” is clearly the title.  I went on to say that the real question is how did the Dwarf know about this line?  I have always been a bit incredulous about the Tleilaxu Haderach but I guess this is what they gleaned from him.  Isn’t loss of love the most inevitable result of knowing the future?

I noted that then (once again) I was without.  I noted that this was a little sad.  I went on to say that she was reasonable all the way up to the last minute and then she cried a bit and then at the last minute I saw in her eyes the truth—that it hurt.  This made me take her seriously and I noted that I was not willing to do that until then.

I scrawled the words RED SHIFT in red on the next page with this poem:

            I said no every day and now there is a Red Shift.

            It’s time to go they say; trapped in a time rift.

            It’s hard to walk when your foot keeps hitting a cane—better to be blind.

            Weekend, New Years and they’re gone.  Goin’ to mom’s; moving out; quitin’ the job.

            I’m leaving this fuckin’ town!  Wanna go skiin’ this winter?

            Every town I go to is just as dead as the last.

            No one stays cuz their goin’ so fast.

            Love is the sound of a car driving away

            and it seems like I am the only one to stay.

            I write and send and it all comes back alright.

            “Wish you were here,” they say,

            and alone I time the pass away.

            I kissed her and saw the red shift in her eyes.

            She was moving away from me at light speed then

            in an expanding universe so big it may not even be measured.

Here the justification changes and the writing is more prose than poetry.  I wrote,

“That was the day.  We tried to do it… failed.  Getting up with her is like no one else.  She went up finished packing.  I sat and read Children of Dune, went downstairs.  At one point did some fangjian shit.  ‘Wo mayo tongwu,’ that kind of shit.  Her computer was sittin’ here for a while.  Oh yeah she packed, I read, then we went to Ni Hao [restaurant].  Oh that’s right I was workin on the homework.  Danny gave me his guitar.  Christina gave me 800 yuan.  I asked Nadja if she wanted western food.  We ate small and quick: peanuts and chicken.  Jiao Yun Mogu Bing Feng Mifan.  She went to the Sea Star.  We saw four girls we knew.  I started typing my homework after she crushed me.  She bitched, ‘we don’t have enough time as it is.’  I went and got the film.  [She bitched at] Michaela and Ute… about TV’s.  Danny came with us to the RRS.  We got pulled over on the way.  I waited in a line too long.  I kissed her and saw the red shift, looked for Dan he was gone, gone, gone.”

This is series is a retrospective of my life taken from emails that I sent or received on the First of the Month.